Same Same

I have a standard answer every time someone asks how I'm going.

"Same same."

It's neither good nor bad. Like the universe...it's neutral. It's clean. Doesn't require a follow up. Transaction complete.

Now this neutral generic answer sometimes gives the impression that I am unbothered. Relaxed. The kind that takes things as they come. That's the impression. Purposely delivered in that manner to avoid having to answer questions and drag conversations past their expiry date.

However, behind the "same same" are the same insecurities, self-doubt and paranoia as everyone else. I just don't say them out loud. Never loud. I don't post about it. I don't talk about it. But they're still there. A low-level hum of self-pity running in the background like an unpaid bill you keep walking past.

 "Same same" is a kind of forced equanimity. An imposed audit to regulate my bullshit. I don't correct people's assumptions because it serves a purpose — to self-correct in moments when I start feeling a bit too sorry for myself.

When we think about the past we want to feel like martyrs. We dwell on the mistakes, the failed attempts and completely bypass the things we got right. The wins. The progress. The evidence that we've grown. And for some stupid some reason it feels moral and virtuous even. As if those memories make us more credible. And we approach the future with either hope that things will finally be different — or with the dread that we'll just repeat the same patterns again.

But both of those mindsets are a form of self-pity. Not self-compassion. Not healing. Just self-pity wearing a more acceptable costume.

A while back I came across this quote from Seneca:

"To be happy you must eliminate two things: the fear of a bad future and the memory of a bad past."

"Same same" is my daily attempt to achieve that. No dwelling on the past. No stressing about the future. Just neutral. A conscious choice to live in the moment.

It's not the absence of want fear or self-pity. It's acknowledging them and choosing to step over them — because the alternative is heavier to bear. I know some people genuinely live in this state. I envy them. And while both versions look identical from the outside, they feel completely different from the inside. One is chosen. One is installed.

It's become almost mandatory today because self-pity gets confused with self-compassion. They live close to each other and can feel like the same thing in the moment. You tell yourself you're being kind to yourself. You're processing. You're feeling your feelings. But self-compassion moves. It acknowledges the pain and then does something decent with it.

Self-pity just sits in the corner and waits to be noticed. Self-compassion is inward facing. Self-pity always needs a witness. Even if that witness is just you. The unpaid bill doesn't go away because you stop opening it. It just sits there collecting interest in the background while "same same" keeps the door closed to anyone who might ask the wrong question.

 I don't have a clean resolution to offer here. I'm not on the other side of this one. I'm just far enough in to recognise the pattern.

Anyway. Try it sometime.

 The next time someone asks how you're going — give them a neutral answer.

The next time you feel like sharing a “woe is me” post on social media — don't.

When the shame the from the past and the guilt from the future rear their ugly heads….pretend they’re not there and push forward.

And when empathy and compassion find you

you'll deserve it.